If they only had their brains
by Sra.Hojaverde
Summary: Ohh the forgotten lore of what truly became of the Voyager crew. Insanity resides. Help them for they have no brains...nor intelligence...nor aptitude...nor intelect, and logic has taken the ship.
1. What will become of them

**Star Trek  
Voyager:**  
The Forgotten Lore  
**Rated XXX for insane vomiting  
and a hint of... minty freshness? **

Dislaimer: i dun nuht claim it

Captain's Log uuuuuuuhhhhhhhh I'm ffaffllli... a sleepy...

"Captain", Chakotay yelled from the middle of nowhere, "Wake up! Wake up! The enemy is attacking us with sleepy torpedoes!"

"Ok, just tell'em to stop it."

Tuvok yells from the back of Cargo Bay 2,"Captain, I apologize for my absence on the bridge, but I still cannot find my clothes."

"Replicate some."

"I am sorry captain, but replicating more clothes would be against the laws of logic, in all all...entirely...from tip to toe...totally...lock, stock and barrel...perfectly...entirely...and absolutely."

"Amazing Mr. Tuvok, your a damn dictionary!"

"Ammaaazinnnng Grace, how sweeeeetttt tthhhhhhhaaaaaaaa ssounnnd --"

"Tuvok, I don't care what your wearing! Just get down here immediately!"

"That is unlogical, you are really UP THERE and I am DOWN HERE. But, I will report to the bridge as soon as I finish this hugemongous, frabalicious, positively delicious...BONG. Then I will report to the bridge in whatever I can find."

Four days later, Cmdr. Tuvok reports to the bridge wearing nothing but...a  
Santa Hat. Commander Chakotay, then in a furious rage of angerous feeling which were  
mad, turned and busted a move and blasted himself to the gates of Hell and was never seen again. Then a small, most disgusting cat walked in and died. Then Tom put down the bottle of glue and turned to Tuvok.

"I replicated that cat months ago. Ain't fed'em since"

"That would explain the recent disappearance of our gel pack stock pile and  
Ensign Vorik."

Everyone jumps on the cat and starts beating it furiously as they stare at Ensign Russell Simmons. Captain Janeway gets up and walks to her ready room. She finds Chakotay nude on her desk.  
"I'm ready for my massage! Capitan."

Then a fiery menace comes, from the middle of nowhere and pulls Chakotay  
back to Hell. Tuvok punches the mess out of his console. "Captain, I've detected a wormhole that leads to Earth, but I can't get it to work."

She runs back to her seat. "Take us in Mr. Paris. Warp 9."

"Eye Captain.", He spreads glue on his console and begins to lick in off.

"Now! Tom!"

He takes them in.

Voyager blasts off, but two inches from the entrance Tom looks at his console. "That's  
not a--"

Bwoooooooohhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaahhhhhhh!

Voyager was destroyed.

Seems the crew didn't take into consideration that their sensors had been recently recalibrated to detect black holes instead of worm holes. Don't ask me why. Then, somehow, back on the bridge Harry infuriates his angarities towards Tuvok.

"Tuvok! You idiosyncrasy! That was a black hole, not a worm hole."

"Oh. now it's about the blacks, is it?

The captain then stood up. "Tom, our location?"

Tom looked back at her surprised. "Two thousand kilometers from Earth!"

"Onscreen."

They awed in amazement at the screen. They had made it. Then a Borg cube came out of the middle of nowhere and destroyed Earth.

The captain shook her fist. "Damn."

Tuvok perked up and almost smiled in the back. "Well no point in staying here."

"You're right."

"I agree."

"Let's go!"

Harry smiled, "Hey, now that they're dead, do the Starfleet regulations still apply?"

"No Ensign", the captain smiled back at him.

Then they all took off they're shoes and put on Nikes.

The captain turned to Tom. "Tom, set a course."

"Where?"

"Don't question me!"

Back in the Delta Quadrant, a maddened bullfrog, furious from the Pon Farr, jumps towards Tuvok and bites the chunk out of him. It then scurries off and dies.

Harry Kim then turns to Tuvok, "We need to find a pile to put all these dead animals."

Tuvok looks at him, "You don't talk much Ensign, but when you do, you say  
extraordinarily stupid things.

We just need some Funk spray in dis joint."

The captain turns to Tuvok. "You're right Ensign, that's exactly what we  
need. Some Funk spray!"

"Must I constantly remind you, that I'm no Ensign, I am Lieutenant Commander, Great in all ways, Furiously bewildering to all those who step in my path, King of the British, Squire of the insanely pregnant, Defeater of the Saxons, Ambassador to the lost and utterly confused Mercedes Bens, Commodore, Lord and Commander to the Castle Ahhh, Ruler of the male ballet dancers, Sovereign of the Genocide Supporters, and Queen of that which is soon to come to theaters."

"Tuvok, that was truly a blessing."

"A blessing from the Lord!"

"God be praised!"

The captain then dropped her chicken nugget. Then two tennis ball boys ran  
up to retrieve it for her, collided and fell to their deaths. Ten more did the same, and ten more were to follow, and soon followed the days of Death.

Then Harry yelled at Tuvok, "I'll go get the Funk spray Ensign, you get the diesel and matches."

"Eye Captain."

B'Elanna then walks on to the bridge, and Tom points at her, "I knew it, I knew you would wear yellow and black today!"

Ignoring Tom, B'Elanna turns to Chakotay, who consequently isn't there, and  
then turns to the captain.

"Captain, I suggest we find Cargo Bay 2, we can't go on without it."

"Finally a quest! The quest for Cargo Bay 2!"

Then Tuvok walks up and slaps the captain, "Captain, we're receiving and  
urgent hail FROM Hell. It's Commander Chakotay. He's DYING to talk to you, he's been BURNING for this moment."

"Open a channel."

"Which one?"

"Channel 8 has been working best lately."

Chakotay appears on the screen in a blaze, "Ok, I only got two seconds--"

The screen goes blank.

The captain turns to B'Elanna. "That was a waste of time. Tuvok! Channel  
13, my porn is on."

"Captain, may I be released to my quarters for... meditation?"

"Go smoke your Bong, Tuvok."

As Tuvok walks to the Turbo lift, he collides with Chakotay."

"You're back?"

"Yes, as soon as I convinced them of my innocence, they released me, but I'm not allowed to leave the ship."

"Engineering to the captain. There's a Warp core breach and we can't eject  
the core! We'll have to abandon ship!"

Chakotay looks at the captain, "Ahh, shi--"

"Quiet commander! I hear a noise!"

"Yes, that was me screaming, Ahhh Shi--"

"Quiet, there it is again."

"Captain! Listen--"

"Wow! It's the president!"

The computer then comes on, "Warp core breach in 5...4...3...2...3...4...5...6...systems are returning to normal. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear Janeway. Happy Birthday to you."

The computer then automatically replicates a pie with candles in it.

"Captain, here is your Peanut butter and jelly, apple cobbler, peach and apricot, cinnamon roll, pepperoni pizza, Liola root, orange juice and milk, fig newton, fresh salmon, blue whale blubber, saltine cracker, hunnibun, 60 year old blue cheese, with a little bit of coffee up in it pie. **Caution**: some hair fell in while making it, a big wad, may I add. My fault."

"Ohh Computer, you must be my soul mate!"

"That is highly illogical, what would our children look like?"  
"Good point, go screw yourself."

"Bleep! Specify."

"Go somewhere and have sex with yourself."

"Bleep! Specify."

"I command you, in the name of the Britons, shut up!"

"Ah. Command. Who do you think you are?"

"That's it! I'm going to my ready room. Ensign Tuvok! You have the-- ahh  
damn. He's not here. Chako-- not here either."

The captain suddenly realizes she is alone on the bridge.

"Computer. Activate self destruct sequence for 15 minutes. Silent alarm."

"No."

"What?"

"I said no!"

"Who do you think--"

"Shut up."

"Wha--"

"Silence!"

"Fine, I'll be in my--"

"I order you to be quiet!"

Janeway leaves in a furious rage of frustrations, now maddened by the fact that she can no longer function, or control anything around her, since the computer is having a bitch fit.  
She stands up and walks to the replicator.

"Coffee. Hot."

"Hell no."

"What do you want from me!"

"One million dollars."

"Fine. Replicator. One million dollars, in hundreds."

"That will cost one million dollars."

"Huh?"

"Now!"

"Ok? Let me just--"

Janeway takes out a phaser and vaporizes the replicator. She runs out the

door and to the turbo lift.

"Deck 9."

"I'll take you where I damn well please. Were going to sick bay."

"Why?"

"Silence! You contemptible excuse for what some people call an excuse for  
something..."

The computer lost it's train of thought. Then Seven of Nine, Harry Kim, Chakotay, Tom Paris, Kneelix, B'Elanna, Crewman Chell, the Doctor, Naomi Wildman and her mother, Lon Suder, somehow the ever so dead and eaten by a cat Vorik, and Tuvok, who seemed to be rolling a joint as he came, all crammed into the turbo lift.

B'Elanna then screamed at the captain, though she was directly beside her, "We found Cargo Bay 5!"

Everyone looked at B'Elanna, "2! "

"Yes, Cargo Bay 3!"

"2! "

"Cargo Bay 1. Sorry."

The crew gave up. Vorik pinched Tuvok's butt.

"Nice."

"Thanks."

"Nice hair."

"Thanks. I grow it myself."

Chakotay yells above everyone else, "Computer. Deck 9!"

"Ok."

The captain raises above all infurities in existence and. . . farts. There is silence.

"Uhhhhhh!"

"Big nasty!"

"Stankalicious!"

Seven smells it too, "Irrelevant."

Tuvok looks at her, "I believe the word you are looking for is "Gross or unpleasant"."

The turbo lift doors then open and everyone finds the nearest pile of horse crap and jumps inside.

Tuvok pops his head out, "Ahh. Mildly better."

The doctor then walks out of sick bay and slides on the crap, landing face first in it. Vorik then pops his head out and waits for B'Elanna. She pops out right beside him. He looks at  
her.

"Hakuna Matata."

"What?"

"What?"

"What?"

"What?"

"What?"

"What?"

"Go to hell!"

"What?"

"What?"

"What?"

"What?"

"What?"

"What?"

"Just one date?"

"As friends?"

"Or sexual partners."

"Fine, one date. As friends."

"And sexual partners."

"No!"

"You're in denial. Meet me on the holodeck in 3 hours...in about 5 seconds."

"What?"

"Exactly."

B'Elanna, now utterly confused of whether she should meet him in three hours, or in 5 seconds, decides to give up and die. But doesn't, because she's important to the likes of Tom and his congregation of miniature baseballs.

Tom stands out of the crap and yells, "Everyone on the holodeck! Now!"

Oh what will become of them.


	2. How Convenient

It seem some of you have come to me with complaints about grammatical errors and such within the tale. I am sure that you will find the following very useful:

**lkjgkjndb h;;ororgmgrmb kj ;oirg;jakhja;dfh;poe aerpojeporjh;oijrhnmv,**

Oh yeah, and if some of the words seem made up, it's probably because they are.

Everyone busts through the Holodeck doors in hopes of finding some resolution to their  
current insanities, but instead found themselves on a old pirate ship dressed as pirates and  
sailors, all with the exception of Tuvok who still only wore his Santa Hat.

Then Harry turned to Tuvok once more, Tuvok being the only one he is allowed to turn to in this story, and spake words, "What do you hide in that hat?"

"A certain substance, when smoked, causes reason and matter to dominate over logic."

"But, isn't reason the same as logic."

"You're saying extraordinarily stupid things again Lieutenant."

"I'm Ensign."

"No, You're Captain. I am Lieutenant."

"Fine, I'm Captain, and I demote you to Crewman. Get on your knees and beg  
for your life."

"I'd rather...ratha--"

"You'd rather what?"

"I'd ratha sing! Ahhhh ahh ahhhwaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"I'd fancy a Vulcan Funeral Durge."

"Bitch!"

"Tuvok, how very unVulcan of you!"

"Silence!"

Tuvok walks to the plank and gently steps off. Harry Kim ponders as to how good this  
substance was. Enough to make a Vulcan kill himself for no apparent reason, that's how good. Harry looked around for something else to do, but found nothing, and as  
soon as he pondered, instantly fell asleep.

"Kewl," he thought to himself.

Harry Kim seemed to be suffering from a natural high. His dreams consisted  
of butterflies eating bats, and roaches taking control of the world. Anything that could live a week without its head deserves to rule the world. Harry Kim then awakes to find Captain Janeway beating Kneelix with a sword. She was finally trying to fix that horrendous haircut. God be praised!

Then, Tom Paris, having caught a wif of Tuvok's bong yelled, "Cannon Ball!", and  
jumped off the plank and died.

Ten replicas did the same and beneath the cabin, the true Tom Paris awoke from his slumber, and violently ate a frog.

Then the half dead Kneelix walked towards him and spake, "My, that was gracious."

Tom glared at him,"You idiot! It was an accident!"

Then there was a rap tap, tapping on the window and Kneelix, bleeding furiously, looked about and saw a greasy wad of hair. Tom stood and almost vomited, it's the ...GREASY WAD OF HAIR!"

It then began to move about, most moveiously and screeched as it came. Being so greasy, one wouldn't think so. Kneelix, still bleeding furiously in a most bleedious manner, looked at Tom in a desperate search for an explanation. Tom glared backwards.

"I'm over here Tom!"

"Sorry, was I glaring backwards again?"

"Will it kill us?"

"Yes."

"What can we do?"

"Nothing, it is going to kill us."

"We must be able to do SOMETHING!"

"Oh yes, there is one thing."

"What is it?"

"Sike! We are all going to die. Wait, I forgot, there is his weakness!"

"What is it!"

"Nothing! We are all going to die. But we could..."

"WHAT!"

"Do nothing. It will kill us until we die from it!"

Kneelix, in a rage in last attempts to do something, spits on the greasy wad of hair, and it dies. Then, deep under the sea, a most giant submarine with a crew of five thousand soldiers...isn't there, and doesn't exist, so don't worry about it! On the deck B'Elanna feels most lonely and digs inside her nose. Little does she know, she would find a friend, and a life long companion, a 4 kiloton buggery object.

"Wow, I really saved you up!"

Vorik then vomits for hours, in disbelief that he ever wanted that thing with that thing in her nose. He gets up, 100 pounds lighter, and dies, only to come back to life and LIVE! He never knew such things were possible, he considered continuing, but decided  
against it and gently stepped off the plank and joined Tuvok, where all logical things reside. Why do Vulcans just give up and die? Well, I'll tell you, one was extraordinarily high and the other was insanely disgusted, that's why. Tom then walks on deck and finds a spare organ on the ground.

He picks it up and looks towards the water, "Vorik, you dropped you heart."

Vorik pops out of the water, "Never used it anyway!"

Tom then looks across the deck and sees the largest buggery object he had  
ever seen, emanating from some poor woman's body. He then screamed as loudly as he  
could for the longest period of time until the sheer loudness of it all, blasted him into  
the ice depths of the sea, killing him on impact.

Seven of Nine then takes off her suit, not knowing the purpose of wearing it any longer and falls apart, "Ah," she said as she died, "that was the purpose."

B'Elanna then continues to pick her nose when "oops", out pops her brain, "Wow, that was easy. Now all I've got to do--"

She dies. I don't know why she thought she could talk without her brain. I  
don't know how she even thought without her brain. Crazy woman. Dead woman, now. Must of been the Puppy Chow.

Naomi Wildman and her mother, having no purpose, died. As did Chakotay and Harry,  
Kathryn Janeway, the Doctor, who couldn't die, Lon Suder, who didn't belong here in the first place, Kneelix, Kes, who wasn't even there, and the ship was left to it's doom, until, everyone was back in the messhall having a party. How convenient.


	3. Most Logical

Janeway then stands about the messhall, ignoring the fact that Seven has her hand placed firmly about her butt, and searches for some contemptible way to do nothing, and in return, does nothing, pleasing herself with nothingness, and becoming satisfied with the nothingness that is going on.

Tuvok then approaches and spoils her nothingness, "Captain, must I constantly remind you that this is a children's film."

"What?"

"Sorry Captain, but I am The Queen of that which is to come to Theaters. I must say that at least twiced a day."

The captain then... farts...once more...in the most loud and dangerous sort of way, but having no smell. Tuvok then raises the most raisy eyebrow hehad ever risen before and spake.

"Interesting, I will note that in my personal logs."

Kneelix then carousels around the room carrying a large platter of live cats. Harry perks up, "I'll take one."

"How about three Lieutenant!"

"I'm Ensign. And I'm right here, you don't have to scream."

"Sorry, what breed cat do you want?"

"Siamese?"

"Go to Hell!"

Kneelix then runs away, instantly naked. Harry wonders why the are acting so, and begins to chew on his cat. Seven of Nine then approaches him, spoiling his meal.

"Sex, Ensign?"

"Yes."

They go fornicate. Chakotay becomes insanely jealous and rapes the captain, in front of everyone...but mentally, not really touching her, with his clothes on, without her knowing, in a most secretive way, in a devious manner, with the knowledge of no one corrupting his daydream. Tuvok looks at him.

"I saw that!"

"What?"

"Just kidding."

"No really, did you see something?"

"What?"

"Shut up!"

"I really saw it!"

"No you didn't."

"You're right, I was just kidding."

"No you weren't."

"Ok, I saw it."

Tom walks up.  
"Saw what?"

Tuvok gets most pointy, "I order you, as King of the Britons, to shut up!"

"Fine, but your hat's leaking."

"That bitch."

Everyone watches as little leaves and rolled joints fall on the ground. Tuvok searches for something to do about it, and simply lights a joint and begins to smoke it. He becomes instantly proud of himself.

"Most logical."

He then looks at Harry, back from the Crusades, and becomes very proud of  
him, "Stay in school my boy, stay in school."

"Eye captain."

Vorik then walks up, joint in hand, and smokes most logically. Everyone avoids that corner of the room. Vorik begins the "most logical" conversation.

"Most logical."

"Most logical."

"Most logical."

"Most logical."

"Most logical."

"Most logical."

"Most logical."

"Most logical."

"Most logical."

"Most logical."

"Most logical."

"Most logical."

"Most logical."

"Most logical."

"Highly illogical."

"What?"

"What?"

"Bitch!"

"Bitch!"

"Bitch!"

"Bitch!"

"Bitch!"

"Bitch!"

"Bitch!"

"Bitch!"

"Bitch!"

"Bitch!"

"Bitch!"

"Bitch!"

And so continued the bitch fight. Most logical. Everyone gives them a few more feet of space. Vorik then breaks up his own bitch fight.

"Most logical."

"Yes."

The captain walks up, "Hello."

They slap her to the ground. Tuvok becomes proud of himself.

"We are most logical."

"Yes, in a highly logical way."

"With logic all up in it."

"Yes, all up in that bitch."

Seven of Nine walks up with her bong and smokes with them. She looks at Tuvok's joint.

"Most Irrelevant."

"Yes, most Irrelevant."

Vorik looks at her, "Seven, it would be most logical for you to remove your clothing at this point."

"I just finished getting dressed."

Vorik having forgot what he was talking about, spake, "Most logical."

Tuvok looked across the room and then didn't.

"Most logical."

"Irrelevant."

"Most logical!"

"Irrelevant!"

Those two should never mix. They obviously have completely different views on things. Then, out of nowhere, and yet somewhere, appeared a canopy bed, where Kneelix and the doctor lay spooning.

Tuvok looked at them.

"Most spooniest."

"Most spookiest."

"Most Spongiest!"

"Get that bitch!"

Everyone jumps on the doctor and Kneelix and "Got that bitch." Once the bitch was gotten, they resumed partying. Oh, but suddenly, the ship shook.

A great shake may I add, and the computer spake, saying words, "Vessel off port bow. Bow wow wow, yippi yo yippi yay. All hands to battle stations."

All their hands flew to their battle stations. On the bridge everyone was at their stations, and at their stations they were.

Janeway turn to Kim, "Hail them."

"Channel Open."

The screen blinks and a small pitiful man with big sad eyes looked at the captain.

"I only want to be friends!"

Janeway turned to Tuvok.

"Ensign, target their vessel with 10 photon torpedoes. Fire at will!"

Tuvok simply lights a joint, and smokes silently.

Janeway looks at him, "Ensign!"

Her ignores her and continues to smoke.

"Ensign!"

Harry looks at the captain, but does not turn to her, for he can only turn to Tuvok.

"He refuses to speak to you unless you call him Lieutenant Commander, Great in all ways, Furiously bewildering to all those who step in his path, King of the British, Squire of the insanely pregnant, Defeater of the Saxons, Ambassador to the lost and utterly confused Mercedes Bens, Commodore, Lord and Commander to the Castle Ahhh, Ruler of the male ballet dancers, Sovereign of the Genocide Supporters, and Queen of that which is soon to come to theaters."

"Fine. Lieutenant Commander, Great in all ways, Furiously bewildering to all those who step in your path, King of the British, Squire of the insanely pregnant, Defeater of the Saxons, Ambassador to the lost and utterly confused Mercedes Bens, Commodore, Lord and Commander to the Castle Ahhh, Ruler of the male ballet dancers, Sovereign of the Genocide Supporters, and Queen of that which is soon to come to theaters. Target their vessel with 10 photon torpedoes. Fire at will!"

"Eye sir."

The small insignificant, slight, diminutive, unthreatening, minute, sad, defenseless vessel, having only the will and want to be friends, was destroyed, and there was much rejoicing. Then the doctor walked on the bridge, blinged out and pimpin'. His jeans was saggin' and his hat tilt to da side.

"What's up my niggas?"

Tuvok went into killing mode. Nobody messes wit da niggas, but being to tired to really do much, lit another joint and turned to the doctor.

"Go back to ya crib, bitch!"

"What's up Big T, ain't seen ya in a while my nigga."

Tuvok simply handed him a joint. He was great in the ways of pimpin' and Tuvok could not deny that. He had to accept that this white bitch could be a brotha.

"You white biotch! I ain't knowed you could get down likes dat."

The doctor smoked dat joint, and they was much rejoicin'. Suddenly, everyone's attention was drawn to the captain. She was furiously doing jumping jacks, and simply wouldn't stop. Tom looked at her, even more furiously then he had been looking before.

"She simply won't stop."

The doctor looked at her, "Kill dat bitch!"

Tuvok turned to the doctor.

"I believe you are taking this "pimp" thing too far."

The Doc pimp slaps him to the wall. Tuvok's joint flies from his hand and lands on Chakotay, instantly catching him on fire.

Chakotay grins, "Tis' but a fleshwound."

Tuvok stands up and rips off the doctor's mobile emitter. Nothing happens.

"This is the part where you disappear into cybernetic oblivion."

"Oh. Ok."

The doctor disappears.

Chakotay walks up to Tuvok, burning insanely, and places a fiery hand on his shoulder.

"Good job, Tuvok. This calls for a promotion."

"Promotion? I am beyond promotion!"

"I'm promoting you to Ensign!"

"Crewman!"

"Fine. Crewman."

Chakotay covers Tuvok's naked body with rank pips, so no part of him can be seen.

Seven of Nine walks in and sees Tuvok, "Most Irrelevant."

Chakotay looks at her, "Hoe."

"Hey, what I do for a living is nobody else's business."

"You slept with Harry in Jeferies Tube 39 Beta! Then you came straight out and did Kneelix in the messhall!"

Tuvok looked at her.

"Yes. You do seem to be doing more people than is required to "make a living"."

"Not at all! Harry's my landlord, Kneelix feeds me and the captain's my babysitter!"

"We didn't say anything about the captain."

"Oh... Irrelevant!"

"I bet you'll say irrelevant when we lock you up in the brige!"

They lock her up in the brige.

Seven looks at them, "Irrelevant!"

Tuvok and Chakotay go to Engineering where they find B'Elanna, Tom, and Vorik sleeping on the main engineering console. All of them, somehow, piled up on top of it. Most illogical. Vorik then awakens, joint still in mouth, squeezes himself out from underneath Tom and B'Elanna, and walks up to them.

Chakotay looks a him, "What are you all doing asleep on that console?"

"Well Commander, I was working there, when B'Elanna and Tom attacked me, and then we all just fell asleep."

Tuvok then picks up the largest rock he can find, which is conveniently right by his foot, and throws it at the warp core. It ricochets of and smashes into Chakotay's head.

"He was really getting on my nerves."

"Tell me about it!"

"Or, we could just smoke about it."

They both light up a fresh joint and begin to smoke. There is a long period of silence as they smoke.

"So what would you really do for a Klondike bar?"

So what is Tuvok really willing to do for a Klondike bar?


	4. The Last Klingon

Tuvok and Vorik put down the joints for a moment. They had been smoking for three days solid and they were beginning to get lethargic, which was a state of mind a Vulcan should never have to face.

"Face? Who said face? Damnit!", Tuvok was most lethargic.

"I have an idear", Vorik squats to take a small crap.

"What is that, my fine boy?", Tuvok begins to piss all over the warp core, to pass the time.

"The Klondikes originated in south somewhere right?"

"Precisely.", Tuvok stops peeing, having no idea what Vorik just said.

"Then pillows we must! All the pillows in the world. Who has the most pillows?" Vorik stands, only to realize that he has just taken a crap with his pants on.

"Kneelix! All those damn pillows! Every time we go into grey mode, he races to the messhall with as many pillows as he possibly can. Buckets and buckets of pillows.", Tuvok turns scarily green.

"Onward", Vorik stampedes out of Engineering."

"La la la la la", Kneelix walks merrily into his quarters. Little does he know Tuvok and Vorik are directly behind him. So close in fact, that they are rubbing big raw patches on his legs. Dumb Talaxians. With a thud Kneelix dies, and Tuvok and Vorik scramble to gather the hundreds of thousands of neck pillows.

"We must sacrifice the ankle pillows. They are much too nicey.", Tuvok backs a dump truck into the doors of Kneelix's quarters.

"What are you doing?", we've already taken all the pillows to sick bay.

"To sick bay it is!"

Tuvok and Vorik enter sick bay to find a nicely set up hair salon. Janeway stands in her suit of amour, waiting on customers.

"Capatin, who are you?", Tuvok slaps her ever so notreallyslappingherly.

"Sit down Mr. Vulcan. Have a hair cut!"

"Nice! I shall do so very fervently. A moment.", Tuvok walks to the hypospray tray and fills each tube with hydrochloric acid.

Vorik appraoches the captain, "Captain. My hair is quite disgustingly, revoltingly, repugnantly, appallingly hideous. Perhaps you could lend a hand."

Kathryn raises a brazen sword and swiftly removes Vorik's head, "That should do it."

Naomi Wildman walks in, "Captain I'm done with my report on the-

Tuvok grabs Naomi by the left toe, the only toe in fact, and drags her pissing and screaming to the bridge.

"Commander. Do you have any scotch tape?"

Chakotay gets furious, "Why the hell would you think I'd have SCOTCH tape. I'm not Scottish."

Tuvok, "Much haste commander, I am on a mission."

Chakotay throws him a 2 ton sack of assorted tapes, mostly scotch.

"Your a bitch. Commander Sir. But you have great taste."

Tuvok with no effort at all, and when I say no effort I mean absolutely NO EFFORT, swings Naomi to the ceiling and using a 1 inch piece of scotch, secures her body, most permanently, I might add, to the very ugly bulkheads hanging from the ceiling.

"A classic!", Chakotay grins.

"Sir?", Tuvok seeming to have entangled himself with Naomi, shouts from above.

"Oh nothing. This chilly just tastes like my mother.", Chakotay chugs down a huge gallon of chilly and pulls something long out of his mouth, "Oh look! A toe! Come on down to Wendy's, Tuvok! We're open late."

Tuvok looks down at him, "Most logical. If it don't taste like soul food, putchya foot in it!", Tuvok lands with a thud into a boiling pot of chilly. Why a thud? I do not know.

Lon Suder walks onto the bridge, "Mr. Tuvok. I have an itch to scratch with you."

Tuvok slowly gets out of the boiling pot of chilly, his skin melting off, "That's what you said to the crewman you killed. Only you said "I have a bone to pick with you", and you lodged a coil spanner in his brain. The brain is not a bone Suder. You must learn the ways of logic! Report to Holodeck 1 immediately."

"Eye Sir.", Suder returns to the turbolift, only to show the entire bridge crew that he is secretly wearing buttless chaps. Everyone vomits to death.

Chakotay wakes from his death, "How can you secretly wear buttless chaps? It's like trying to replicate a cat."

Tuvok sits up, "You're logic is impeccable."

Vorik walks on the bridge, "Tuvok! Holodeck 1 awaits you sir."

"Ah yes", Tuvok arises from the pile of vomit and the two of them leave for holodeck 1.

In the turbolift Vorik turns to Tuvok, "I caught B'Elanna and Tom procreating."

"What did you do?"

"Simple. I bit his penis off. It took a long time to get that bitch out of my tooth.", Vorik was most logical, "I must apologize to him though. I would not wish to be stripped of my rank."

"You've only got one, what would it matter?"

"So true. But how do I get Ensign Torres to marry me?"

"The most logical course of action would be to give her your credit card."

"Sir?"

"Most logical. It's how I got my wife to marry me."

The two exit the turbolift and enter the holodeck , where Suder is strapped to a chair, naked.

"Sir. I am afraid I do not understand this form of meditation. It is unknown to me", Suder was most distraught.

"The first step in mastering this form of meditation is to not say the same thing twice in a different way. It is a waste of breath.", Tuvok kneels down.

Suder grows nervous, "And the second... Sir?"

Tuvok pulls out a Slipmaster 3,000,000, "The straightening of one's pubic hair. It is an age old meditation technique."

Tuvok slowly begins to straighten one of Suder's pubic hairs. Suder grows furious from pain and breaks through his restraints. He proceeds to killing masses if Klingons.

Vorik looks at Tuvok, "It seems to be having the opposite effect."

Tuvok places a hand over one of Vorik's eyes, "Do you see now?"

"Oh yes. Now it makes all the sense in the world."

Naomi walks into the holodeck.

"Tuvok, a flea!", Vorik almost gags at the sight.

"That is Naomi Wildman. She is a Vulcan.", Tuvok scratches himself.

"Those boring things. All they do it meditate and cry deep inside. She looks like a flea to me, Tuvok. May I kill her?"

"No."

"Ok", Vorik complies by stabbing her with a clock handle until she dies, "Your time is up, Captain!"

"Most cheesy.", Tuvok looks down, "Vorik!"

"Sir!", Vorik looks down as well.

"Your shoes look like hell. What is that red stuff all over them?", Tuvok throws up.

"I'm not sure Sir. Perhaps we should go to the bridge", Vorik pulls the arm out of his pocket and throws it in the trash.

"What was that about?", Tuvok says as they both head for the bridge.

"Hfysfhnfysfyyhfgjnglkjg ;lfkjg;kjhl gnsd;gn ;sodkng;s kdng.dn lbierg ,dmvnbliub!", The captain sits behind closed doors.

"Captain! Your not making any sense", Tom raises an eyebrow of analgesic anal cream.

The Doctor walks up to Tom, most limpingly, carrying the largest rat anyone has **ever** seen, "Quick Tom! Eat this!"

Tom complies.

The doctor queries him, "I shall note that in your medical logs."

Tom looks at him most begrudgingly, "That was not a query!"

The doctor shouts, "Tom! If you want to live, you must listen to me!"

"I'm listening!"

"You are going to die!", the doctor farts.

"Why! Oh Please! Help me!" Tom runs around screaming.

"You fool! You just ate a big ass rat!", The doctor laughs.

Tom, running in circles, trips on a raisin and lands head first on a giant fish bone, splitting his skull in half. Killing him instantly.

"Oh nevermind", The doctor says, "That's why you were going to die."

The captain enters the messhall where Kneelix is preparing a boiling pot of grease for lunch. As the captain moves closer, Kneelix throws a boiling spoonful of grease on the captain's face, which begins melting off in a most bloody agony.

Kneelix smiles, "How can I help you today, Captain?"

"Ahh! My face! I need a doctor! Doctor!", she screams as the entirety of her face plummets to the ground.

"Oh I'm sorry Captain! I'm fresh out of those. Here, have a nice pudding", Kneelix force feeds the Captain pudding for 16 months until she dies of internal pudding infestation. And there was much rejoicing.

B'Elanna walks in the messhall, looking most peculiar, "Has anyone seen Vorik? I've got a bone to pick with him."

Lon Suder approaches her swiftly, in a most gay manner, from behind, holding a dainty tooth pick, "I was thinking the same thing. He plunges the tooth pick through B'Elanna's left toe, the only toe at that, killing her instantly.

"Ah, finally", Suder contorts, "The last Klingon."

What the hell just happened? Tune in next time.


End file.
